February 2 - "Seeing Shadows"

A cave. Prehistoric times.

A caveman and his wife awaken. They step outside the cave. It is snowing. They see their shadow.

Caveman: I guess there's six more weeks of winter.

Cavewoman: I hate snow. Time to shovel.

Caveman: I don't want to shovel.

Cavewoman: Well I have a bad back.

Caveman: Fine, I'll shovel.

She goes back into the house.

Caveman: Fucking women.

She returns with a shovel, hands it to him. He grabs it, starts shoveling.

February 1 - "Sniffing Duster Kills You"

A junkie sniffs a can of duster.

He dies.

His mother walks in.

She screams.

Blackout.

January 31 - "Grammy Awards"

Taylor Swift’s hotel room. She stands there not moving. Her MANAGER enters.

MANAGER

Okay Taylor, I’m turning you on.

She pushes the top of Taylor forehead.

Taylor turns on and starts singing her song.

January 30 - "Groundlings"

The Globe Theatre. A performance of HAMLET. BURBAGE is on stage. The audience is booing and throwing everything they can at him.

Burbage: To be, or not to be, I there's the point,
To Die, to sleepe, is that all? I all:
No, to sleepe, to dreame, I mary there it goes,
For in that dreame of death, when wee awake,
And borne before an euerlasting Iudge...

At this point the boos drown him out and he exits the stage.

Towards the back of the crowd stand the THEATER MANAGER and BILL.

Theater Manager: This doesn't look well, Willy.

Bill: I asked you to call me Bill.

Theater Manager: This doesn't look well, Bill.

Bill: I know.

Theater Manager: I suggest massive rewrites.

Bill: But where to begin? They hate the whole damn thing.

Theater Manager: Sleep on it.

Bill: Ay, there's the rub. For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come?

Theater Manager: Pardon?

Bill: What?

Theater Manager: That. What was that?

Bill: What?

Theater Manager: That.

Bill: Oh, nothing. Just me pontificating.

Theater Manager: It sounded exactly like what Burbage was saying, only better.

Bill: Oh. Really?

Theater Manager: Yeah.

Bill: Sweet.

Theater Manager: Run with it. See where it goes.

January 29 - "Raining"

A bathroom. KIM and FRED are showering together. We cannot see them.

KIM

You did not.

FRED

What?

KIM

You did not just pee on my foot.

FRED

It’s the shower, babe.

KIM

That’s disgusting.

FRED

What?

KIM

You peed on my foot!

FRED

It’s the shower, babe!

KIM

You peed on my foot.

FRED

Sorry?

KIM

Never do that again.

FRED

Sorry.

January 28 - "Give and/or Take"

A MAN gives a BOY a cookie.

BOY

Thank you.

MAN

You’re welcome.

January 27 - "No Show"

Two dudes sit in front of a TV, drinking beer.

ANNOUNCER

“The Simpsons” will not be seen tonight, so we can bring you this special presentation of “Celebrity Boxing.”

DUDE #1

D’oh.

January 26 - "Insurance"

WOMAN

I would kill anyone that works at Geico. Like, if i found out that, like, let’s say Chuck just got a job at Geico, not only would I break up with him, but I would murder him. I’d figure out a way. Now, that doesn’t mean I would hunt down anyone that works at Geico. But if someone who worked at Geico came to me, they’d be dead. That’s just how I feel.

INSURANCE AGENT

Well, I’m sorry you feel that way.

WOMAN

I just hate the Gekko.

INSURANCE AGENT

What about Gordon Gekko?

WOMAN

I like Gordon Gekko. The Character. He was a ruthless businessman. Is that how you’re gonna be like?

INSURANCE AGENT

Insurance is a cutthroat business.

WOMAN

Oh yeah? How cut throat?

INSURANCE AGENT

How cut throat do you want it to be?

WOMAN

I can handle it. I can handle anything.

INSURANCE AGENT

Can you?

WOMAN

Oh yes.

INSURANCE AGENT

Can you?

WOMAN

I can!

INSURANCE AGENT

I can’t hear you!

WOMAN

I can handle anything!

INSURANCE AGENT

Good. You’re hired.

January 25 - "The First Day of School"

A KID is asleep in bed.

His alarm clock goes off.

He wakes up.

He looks at it.

He hits the top of clock.

He goes back to bed.

January 24 - "Photo Call"

Two people on their cell phones - SHELBY O’DONNELL and KENNY SCHWARTZ. He’s far older than her.

KENNY

Hi, Shelby?

SHELBY

Pronto.

KENNY

It’s Kenny Schwartz. Remember me? From Bryant High?

SHELBY

Yes! How are you?

KENNY

I’m good, thanks. How are you?

SHELBY

Good. How did you get this number?

KENNY

Miranda gave it to me.

SHELBY

She and I don’t speak anymore.

KENNY

That’s too bad.

SHELBY

Meh.

KENNY

So, I have a proposition for you.

SHELBY

Okay.

KENNY

I don’t know if you’ve heard, but I’m a photographer now. Have you heard?

SHELBY

Quite frankly, Kenny, I haven’t heard from you since we did “Godspell” five years ago.

KENNY

Anyway, I’m a photographer now, and I was wondering if you’d be interested in posing.

SHELBY

Maybe.

KENNY

Now, feel free to say no, but would you be willing to do some tasteful - and I make a point of saying “tasteful” - nudes? You’ve always seemed like the person to me who wouldn’t have a problem with that.

SHELBY

Uh, no.

KENNY

Well, would you consider it?

SHELBY

Uh, no.

KENNY

May I ask why?

SHELBY

I’m going to hang up now. Nice talking to you.

She hangs up.

January 23 - "Tuning Up"

Spotlight on three seats in a theater, on an aisle.

ADAM and AILEEN sit one seat off the aisle, reading their programs.

AILEEN

The composer is a protege of Sondheim.

ADAM

That can’t be good.

AILEEN

You love Sondheim.

ADAM

I tolerate his work.

A MAN sits in the aisle seat, next to ADAM. He starts humming. It isn’t loud, but it’s loud enough to bother ADAM.

ADAM

(to AILEEN)

You hear this?

AILEEN

What?

ADAM

This guy humming?

AILEEN

No.

ADAM

It’s like he’s tuning up or something.

AILEEN

If it bothers you that much, tell him to stop.

ADAM

It’s not even that good a tune.

AILEEN

So tell him to stop humming.

ADAM

(to THE MAN)

Excuse me, what is that you’re humming?

THE MAN

It’s from this show, actually.

ADAM

Really?

THE MAN

Yes, sir.

ADAM

So you’ve seen it already.

THE MAN

A few times, actually.

ADAM

Oh? Does the score get any better than what you’re humming?

THE MAN

I think all of the score is rather brilliant.

ADAM

That doesn’t sound brilliant to me. It sounds repetitive.

AILEEN

Adam!

ADAM

What? The tune doesn’t sound that brilliant, is all.

THE MAN

I’m sorry you don’t think so.

ADAM

I’m just expecting something interesting. The guy that wrote it is a protege of Sondheim.

THE MAN

This is true.

ADAM

I wonder how many people Sondheim takes on.

THE MAN

Recently? Just me.

ADAM

(realizing)

Of course you are.

The lights dim, the show begins. The tune THE MAN was humming plays.

January 22 - "An Author Dies"

An AUTHOR sits at his desk, typing at a computer.

He clutches his chest.

He slumps over the computer and dies.

January 21 - "It's a Scandal, It's an Outrage"

An office somewhere in the middle of America.

THE PILOT, middle aged, blonde, baby faced, sits in front of a desk, waiting.

Enter THE BOSSMAN, who sits behind his desk. He’s far older.

THE BOSSMAN

So.

THE PILOT

So.

THE BOSSMAN

Are you gonna tell me what-in-the-hell it was you were thinking, son?

THE PILOT

Safety first is my motto, sir.

THE BOSSMAN

Yes, but now we look like racists.

THE PILOT

But we can’t be too sure now, can we? That’s what I’ve been taught. That’s how I’ve been trained.

THE BOSSMAN

We have a helluva racial discrimination suit on our hands.

THE PILOT

Look, what should I have done? I had a bunch of flight attendants running around screaming that there was a guy with a bomb on his head, praying in a foreign language.

THE BOSSMAN

It never occurred to you that he was Jewish? Apparently, he told you he was Jewish, is that right?

THE PILOT

Yes.

THE BOSSMAN

In fact, I’m told he was very cooperative. Is that right?

THE PILOT

Yes, but.

THE BOSSMAN

And yet you still called it in as a bomb threat.

THE PILOT

How was I supposed to know he was telling the truth? I’ve never heard of what he called what he was wearing. And it was wrapped up and down his arm, too.

THE BOSSMAN

Look, they want heads on a silver platter and yours will have to be it. I’m sorry.

THE PILOT

What?

THE BOSSMAN

This is your three months notice, son. I’m very sorry.

THE PILOT

Over a goddamn beanie?

THE BOSSMAN

Over the mishandling of a situation.

THE PILOT

If it were a rag head, I’d be hailed as a hero right now.

THE BOSSMAN

But it wasn’t a rag head, it was over a Hebe and now we look like racists. I’m sorry, son. Very sorry. If it were up to me, it wouldn’t end this way, but, well, you gotta give the public what they want.

He stands. THE PILOT stands. THE BOSSMAN guides him to the door.

THE PILOT

But what do I tell my wife? What do I tell my kids? I am the hero, god damn it. I did the right thing.

THE BOSSMAN

Just keep telling them that. And they’ll believe it. That’s what they’re there for.

They shake hands.

Janaury 20 - "Deaths Foretold"

LANDO. And LANDO’s women (LESLIE, LUCY, LACEY, LARISSA), all of whom will be portrayed by the same actress.

LANDO

(to us)

I was twenty two years old and high when I discovered I had the wang of death. It was weird. Leslie was the first. She and I met in the library. We were both looking for

LESLIE

(to an unseen librarian)

“Chronicle of a Death Foretold.” Marquez is the author.

LANDO

(to us)

Ironic, in retrospect.

(to her)

I’m looking for that one, too.

LESLIE

Really?

LANDO

(to us)

They only had one copy.

LESLIE

We can share it.

LANDO

(to her)

Do you really want to do that?

LESLIE

I’m a quick reader.

LANDO

(to us)

So we shared the book. Then, we had sex. She died instantaneously as she reached orgasm. It was the first-ever non-fictional death by orgasm. I mourned for a few days before I discovered Lucy, who sat behind me, how apropos, in our “Sex in Italian Cinema” class. Why was her sitting behind me apropos?

LUCY

I like having sex up the butt. (She pops a piece of chewing gum.)

LANDO

(to her)

Oh?

LUCY

No risk of getting pregnant that way. (She blows a bubble.)

LANDO

(to her)

So you’ve never had sex the other way?

LUCY

Nope. Too risky. (She pops the bubble.)

LANDO

(to us)

I love a challenge.

LUCY smiles.

LANDO

(to us)

Alas, before that challenge even took place, Lucy was dead, the second-ever non-fictional death by orgasm, this time up the rear. It was then I realized that I could use this to my advantage. “How so,” you wonder. Well, as a self-hating, misogynistic Republican from Massachusetts, I’ve made my fair share of enemies, most of whom were women. Take Lacey, for example. She and I broke up, well, she broke up with me, for reasons I still can’t figure out.

LACEY

I will NOT pose naked for you so you can send the photo to your buddy, you disgusting son of a bitch!

LANDO

(to us)

I took our break up particularly hard. I actually enjoyed Lacey. Dare I say, loved. So when I saw her and Lucas together, well, that just sent me over the edge. Now, I know what you’re thinking. I didn’t rape her to death. (A beat) Okay, I kinda did rape her to death. But it wasn’t violent or anything. I actually think she enjoyed it, not that I can really tell, her mouth being taped shut and all.

Silence.

LARISSA

Tell me about the other women you’ve been with, Lando.

LANDO

(to her)

I’d rather not.

LARISSA

Why?

LANDO

(to her)

I’d just rather not. I don’t like taking about the past.

LARISSA

I understand.

LANDO

(to us)

Larissa and I were together for a year before her death. She was a very patient woman and didn’t want to rush into anything. I had all but forgotten about my past experiences when that night came around. She looked extraordinarily beautiful naked. Cherubic.

LARISSA is naked. LANDO, for the first time, turns his back to us and stares at her.

LARISSA

This is my first time.

LANDO

(to her)

You mean?

LARISSA

I was waiting for the right person, I guess.

A beat.

LARISSA

Do you like --

LANDO

(to her)

Very, very much.

LANDO moves to her, kisses her. Slowly, he undresses, his back to us still, and they begin to make love.

Blackout.

LANDO

(to us)

After Larissa’s death, I realized that I had to take some action.

The lights slowly rise on LANDO, naked, looking towards us. In one hand, he holds a butcher’s knife. In the other, his penis, bloody and severed.

There is a gaping hole where his genitals should be.

Blood pours from his body.

The lights slowly fade.

January 19 - "Bleeds No More"

An entirely white room. No chairs. Just a small table. That, too, is white.

PUNK ROCK CHICK stands across from PUNK ROCK DUDE.

Silverstein’s “Bleeds No More” loudly in the background.

PUNK ROCK CHICK lunges at PUNK ROCK DUDE from across the table. She grabs at his chest, digs her hand in deep and pulls his heart out. Blood falls from his chest.

PUNK ROCK DUDE finds a corner and starts crying.

PUNK ROCK CHICK takes PUNK ROCK DUDE’s heart, looks at it, slams it down on the table. She pulls out a knife from in between her breasts.

She licks the knife in full view of PUNK ROCK DUDE, then starts slicing his heart into small, thin pieces.

When she’s finished slicing his heart, she slides the knife along her wrists and blood starts to slowly trickle out. She creates a small path of blood along the room before she finds a corner and starts crying.

PUNK ROCK DUDE stands up, walks to the table, looks at his heart. He pulls out a small sewing kit from his pocket and begins to sew his heart back together.

When he’s finished, he sticks his heart back into his chest. He turns around to look at PUNK ROCK CHICK.

He walks over to her, throws the sewing kit down to her.

January 18 - "Morning"

The set is a large, ornate doll’s house. Two stories plus a basement.

In the basement, FATHER sleeps in the previous day’s clothing on a recliner, the television still on.

In the living room, SON sleeps on the sofa, shirtless, with his GIRLFRIEND, also topless.

On the second floor, there are two bedrooms. In one, MOTHER sits up in bed, having just woken up. In the other, DAUGHTER sleeps with her BOYFRIEND. They are also wearing street clothes.

FATHER awakens, sits up, composes himself before heading upstairs to the living room.

There, he stops, stares at SON and GIRLFRIEND, chuckling to himself and shaking his head. He continues upstairs.

He opens the door to DAUGHTER’s room, sees her and BOYFRIEND in bed. He chuckles to himself and shakes his head.

He quietly opens MOTHER’s door and enters her room.

FATHER

Oh, you’re up.

MOTHER

Just now.

FATHER

Well...at least I know there was no sex going on in here last night.

MOTHER

What do you mean?

FATHER

Son is sleeping on the couch with some woman and Daughter is in her bed with some man.

MOTHER

Oh, really?

FATHER

Our home looks like a bordello, Mother. Do you know who they are?

MOTHER

I should, shouldn’t I?

SON awakens, leaves GIRLFRIEND asleep. He heads upstairs to MOTHER’s room.

FATHER

What do we do?

MOTHER

Leave them be, Father. They are adults.

SON enters.

SON

Good morning.

MOTHER

Morning, stud.

FATHER

Who was that fetching young woman whose breasts were on display for the whole world to see?

SON

Some bitch. Great lay, though.

MOTHER

You know, your sister is in there with some lay of her own.

SON

What? I’ll fucking kill him.

SON runs into DAUGHTER’s room. FATHER and MOTHER follow.

SON

Get the fuck up, motherfucker.

DAUGHTER

(waking up)

What?

SON

Get that fucker out of MY house this instant.

MOTHER

Son, mind your own business.

SON

No! I will not let someone defile my sister in my own home!

DAUGHTER

You’ve got your own downstairs! How would you like it if I started screaming at her to get out of the house?

SON

I’m the Man here!

FATHER

No, actually, I am the man here.

SON

GET UP, ASSHOLE.

DAUGHTER

Fine, if that’s how you’re gonna be...

DAUGHTER gets out of bed, runs downstairs and starts screaming at GIRLFRIEND. SON, MOTHER and FATHER follow her down. BOYFRIEND stays sleeping.

DAUGHTER

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU WHORE AND PUT A SHIRT ON!

SON

Don’t talk to my girlfriend like that, cunt!

DAUGHTER

Fuck you!

They start beating each other up. MOTHER and FATHER stare at each other.

FATHER

They’ll get tired eventually, right? They always do. Right?

MOTHER

They always do.

January 17 - "Monologue: Reasons Why I Hate Football"

DAVID, sitting in a chair, smoking a pipe. A single light shining down on him. A rifle in his lap.

DAVID

This is what I hate about football. It’s boring. It takes too long. I don’t like watching people look like idiots. I don’t like watching self-congratulatory tripe. The players have more money than I do. They don’t have class. They’re all arrogant. The viewers are drunk. Nothing ever happens. It always goes into overtime and takes away the TV shows I want to watch.

A beat.

Lucy always tripped Charlie Brown.

DAVID takes the rifle, shoots out the light.

Blackout.

January 16 - "First Date"

A WOMAN is staring at her computer screen. Above her head, we see what she’s reading.

It’s a horoscope.

It reads “As far as relationships go, Mars could be making things difficult for you today, Leo. If you are looking to get a relationship going, today may not be best for first dates.”

She picks up the phone, dials.

A WOMAN

Hi, Bill? Yeah, about our dinner tonight...Can we reschedule? Ummmm...how’s tomorrow? Great. Yes, same time, same place...No, just not feeling well is all. Yeahhh, great. Bye.

She hangs up.

She stares back at the computer.

Blackout.

January 15 - "No Rest for the Wicked"

Silence. Darkness.

CLARK is in bed. He can’t sleep.

He looks at his clock.

He rolls over.

He switches sides.

A siren goes by out the window.

He rolls over again.

He looks at his clock again.

He switches sides again.

He turns the pillow over.

Footsteps and whispers in the hallway.

He looks at his clock again.

He switches sides again.

He rolls over again.

Knocking on the door. Then banging. Then, it is kicked in.

OFFICERS enter, pull CLARK out of bed.

They handcuff him.

They drag him out.

Silence. Darkness.

January 14 - "The Phone Call"

The Oval Office.

OBAMA’s phone rings. He answers.

OBAMA

Hello?

It’s DUBYA.

DUBYA

It’s Dubya.

OBAMA

Oh, hi, George.

DUBYA

I just want to tell you, you’re doin’ a heckuva job, just a heckuva job.

OBAMA

Thank you.

DUBYA

Thanks for not mentioning the whole Katrina thing, by the way.

OBAMA

Okay.

DUBYA

That coulda been bad news for me, I tell you what.

OBAMA

Well I’m fixing your mistakes here. I’m doing what you should have done.

DUBYA

I done a damn good job, don’t let your party tell you otherwise.

OBAMA

You left people on their roofs for weeks.

DUBYA

Now, it was just days. Don’t

OBAMA

Still, days too long, George. We are helping people who need them because we can do that. And we will do that. And we don’t want to remember your time in office, George.

DUBYA

Just...go with your gut, is all I’m saying. Make your own decisions.

OBAMA

I’m gonna let you go now, George, thanks for calling. Goodbye.

DUBYA

Longhorns 2k11!

OBAMA hangs up the phone.

January 13 - "Auditions"

GUY talks to a camera outside the audition room.

GUY

Yeah, I’m here again. I was here last year. They told me no. They said they didn’t like the way I sang. I told them I took voice lessons for a few years...they didn’t believe me. I don’t care. I told them I’d be back. And I’m back. They’re not gonna forget me this time, either.

He goes inside.

Muffled, we hear a fight ensue. Someone calls for security.

Then, a few gunshots.

The door suddenly flies open.

SIMON exits, covered in blood, carrying a gun.

SIMON

This is why I’ve started carrying a gun.

Blackout.

January 12 - "Dirty Job"

A gynecologist’s office.

KITTY, 22, sits, feet in stirrups, waiting for DR. COOTER.

He enters abrasively, sits. He wears a terrible toupee.

DR. COOTER

So do you actually have a problem or are you just trying to fool the insurance company?

KITTY

See, I’m not entirely sure, Dr. Cooter. Thing is

DR. COOTER

Either way, it’s fine. I don’t really care (he looks at her chart), Catherine.

KITTY

You can call me Kitty.

DR. COOTER

As long as you don’t call me late for dinner!

A beat.

DR. COOTER

So what seems to be the problem?

KITTY

It’s kind of uncomfortable.

DR. COOTER

Most vagina-related problems are. I’ve been working with them for thirty years. I've seen it all. Even the one or two with teeth. Lay it on me, can't be any worse than that!

KITTY

Well, my boyfriend and I - and we haven’t had sex yet - but when we fool around and he uses his fingers, I bleed. A lot.

DR. COOTER

Easy peasy. Let’s have a look-see.

DR. COOTER starts examining her. He’s cold and methodical, she is uncomfortable.

DR. COOTER

It’s a very sensitive area, the vagina. If your boyfriend’s fingernails are too long, he could have scratched you. I see a little bit of bruising.

KITTY

Yeah, I saw that, too.

The exam finishes.

DR. COOTER

Just tell him to go gentler next time. And I’d wait a few days before you do it again.

Her cell phone rings - “Hey Mama” by Kanye West.

KITTY

(holding up her cell phone)

Would you like to tell him that?

DR. COOTER

That’s quite alright. I’ve got other patients today.

KITTY

Well, thank you, doctor.

DR. COOTER

Take care. It’s been good seeing you two again.

He exits.

Blackout.

January 11 - "Meta"

Projection: “Meta”

Projection: A STONER sits in front of a computer.

Projection: On the projection screen, we can see what he’s typing. There isn’t anything.

After a few seconds of staring into the audience, he begins to type, and we begin to see it.

“Projection: “Meta”

A DEBONAIR GENTLEMAN sits in front of a computer.

On the projection screen, we can see what he’s typing. There isn’t anything.

After a few seconds of staring into the audience, he begins to type, and we begin to see it.”

STONER

Whoa. That’s some Coen Brothers shit right there.

January 10 - "Soupy, The Drug Dealer"

A high school auditorium.

Students sit awaiting a play.

The teacher, Mrs. Groenfeld, pulls out her cell phone and starts lecturing the students.

MRS. GROENFELD

Turn your damn cell phones OFF. You hear me? OFF. Not silent, not vibrate. I don’t want to hear any vibrations during the play. These are REAL actors for a change. Not your friends. These people are from England. They do real theater, not the crap that Mrs. Rhinebeck puts on every year. These are trained Shakespearian actors, here for your enjoyment. So turn your cell phones off. And no text messaging, either. Cause they can see that on stage. And the people around you can see it, too. And it’s disturbing to your colleagues who actually want to be here and actually want to see the Royal Shakespeare Company’s production of “Love’s Labour’s Lost” and actually want to make something with their lives. Oh, and y’all better take notes, because something tells me I think there’s gonna be a quiz on this tomorrow.

One student, SOUPY, is fumbling around with his wallet.

MRS. GROENFELD

Soupy, are you listening to me?

SOUPY mumbles something.

MRS. GROENFELD

Good.

Across the aisle from SOUPY is a large black woman.

SOUPY

(to the woman)

Hello.

She nods at him.

SOUPY

Yo, I got what you want.

BLACK WOMAN

What?

SOUPY

You want some of this, don’t you?

He holds out a small baggie full of marijuana.

BLACK WOMAN

How’d you know I want that?

SOUPY

‘Cause you’re a woman and I’m a man.

BLACK WOMAN

What?

SOUPY

I’ll give it to you on the cheap.

BLACK WOMAN

How much?

He mouths the number to her. We can’t see.

STUDENT #1

Miss! Soupy’s doing a drug deal!

MRS. GROENFELD

Soupy is special. He probably doesn’t even know what drugs are.

STUDENT #1

But Miss, look!

The transaction has already been made. SOUPY sits, silently staring into oblivion.

MRS. GROENFELD

Soupy, we’re you participating in a transaction using illegal substances?

SOUPY mumbles something.

MRS. GROENFELD

See? He doesn’t even know what that means.

She walks away.

SOUPY grabs STUDENT #1 by the throat.

SOUPY

If you EVER do that to me again, my boys will kill you.

SOUPY releases the student. The play begins.

Blackout.

January 9 - "Sheep Meadow"

CALLIE and her dog Mellow playing catch, back and forth.

CALLIE throws the ball too far and Mellow runs off to catch it.

CALLIE

Mellow!

She starts chasing after the dog.

Mellow returns, tailed by a smaller dog, Murray.

CALLIE bends down to Mellow.

CALLIE

Mellow, did you make a friend?

The dogs start humping.

CALLIE

(disgusted)

Mellow! Stop!

Murray’s owner, Chris, enters.

CHRIS

Murray!

CALLIE

He’s right here.

CHRIS

(staring)

Well, would you look at that.

CALLIE

Looks like they became fast friends.

CHRIS

Yeah, it usually takes me a couple dates before that happens. (a beat) Excuse me. That was gross of me.

CALLIE

(laughing)

It’s okay. I’m Callie.

CHRIS

Chris.

CALLIE

The little girl under your little boy is named Mellow.

CHRIS

He’s Murray.

CALLIE

He must be a helluva catch; Mellow has very discriminating tastes.

CHRIS

So does Murray.

A beat.

CALLIE

Is Murray...seeing anyone...at the moment?

CHRIS

Nope, nope. Is Mellow?

CALLIE

Mellow finds it very hard to find a date in New York City. What about Chris?

CHRIS

Free bird. Callie?

CALLIE

Callie finds it very hard to find a date in New York City.

The dogs finish. Coldly and mechanically.

CHRIS

Well, looks like that’s about it for the day.

CALLIE

Yeah.

He pulls out his wallet, takes out a business card, hands it to her.

CHRIS

If Callie and Mellow would ever like to get together with myself and Murray, feel free to give us a call.

CALLIE

(looking at the card)

Oh my God.

CHRIS

What?

CALLIE

We live in the same building.

CHRIS

No!

CALLIE

I’ve never seen you around before.

CHRIS

Just moved in. Can I walk you home?

CALLIE

That would be wonderful.

Blackout.

January 8 - "Billy Bisexual Takes a Lover"

BILLY’s bedroom. MAE, 22, sits on his bed, staring out the window. There are no curtains.

Great view of a construction site, complete with CONSTRUCTION WORKERS. One waves to her. She waves back.

BILLY enters from an adjacent bathroom. He’s older than her.

BILLY

So what do you think of the room?

MAE

I think you need a pair of shades. Or a curtain, or something.

BILLY

What do you mean?

MAE

Well what if we want privacy?

BILLY

Oh, we have plenty of privacy.

MAE

Uh, no we don’t.

BILLY

Believe me, the construction workers won’t look in.

MAE

One of them waved at me.

BILLY

Really?

MAE

Really.

BILLY

Ignore it. They won’t look in. Trust me.

He sits next to her, kisses her. They fall backwards. Shirts come off.

After a few seconds, he sits up.

BILLY

They really waved to you?

She sits up, too. Her bra is magenta.

MAE

Ignore it. They won’t look in.

BILLY

They stopped doing that for a while. (Pointing to her bra) Love the color, by the way.

MAE

Thanks, it’s new. Now, can we

BILLY

Those bastards haven’t looked in at me in a while. It must be because you’re a woman.

MAE

What do you mean?

BILLY

Well, when my last boyfriend and I were fooling around, they took one glance and never looked in again.

MAE

Umm, did you just say boyfriend?

BILLY

I wouldn’t necessarily call him boyfriend...It was more like a random hookup. And boy, that certainly scared those construction workers, I tell you.

MAE

Okay. I gotta go.

BILLY

What? Why?

MAE

You never told me you had sex with guys.

BILLY

I don’t. I hate having sex with men. I just like giving blow jobs. But that’s irrelevant here.

MAE

How is that irrelevant?

BILLY

Because I love having sex with women.

MAE

Yeah, I’m outta here.

MAE grabs her blouse, puts it on, exits.

BILLY walks to the window, his shirt still off. He stares out.

The CONSTRUCTION WORKERS wave.

January 7 - "The Lady Gaga Formula"

A bedroom.

GUY is in bed. He can’t sleep. There’s a drummer playing in his head and we can hear it. Loud and clear.

Suddenly, it stops. We hear a pounding on his closet door. It grows louder and louder. GUY jerks up. Walks to the closet. Opens the door.

LADY GAGA pops out.

GAGA

Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah.

GUY slams the door in her face. She knocks again. He opens it.

GAGA

Roma, Roma-ma.

He slams the door again, she knocks again, he opens it again.

GAGA

Gaga, ooh la la

Want your bad romance.

She enters and starts singing the rest of “Bad Romance.” But the song segues into a medley of her other songs: “Just Dance,” “Poker Face,” and “Paparazzi.”

GUY watches this display in awe.

GUY

Oh my God!

GAGA

(spoken)

I’m your biggest fan, I’ll follow you until you love me.

GUY scrambles to find a piece of paper and a pen. He sits at his desk. Above his head, we see what he’s writing projected onto the screen. It’s a formula that proves all of LADY GAGA’s songs are the same.

GUY

Can you sing it again for me, please?

GAGA

What?

GUY

Do the whole thing again, please.

GAGA

...Okay.

She starts from Rah-Rah again.

On the screen, he marks down the chord progression, with remarkable accuracy: A major and G for “Rah-Rah,” A major, C, G and D major for “Just Dance,” A major, F, G for “Poker Face and Paparazzi.”

GUY

It’s all the same! I’m gonna be a millionaire! A millionaire!

He continues writing, now the rhyme schemes: on top of one another “just dance,” and “bad romance,” followed by “P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face” and “papa-papa razzi.”

The songs blend together in a cacophony of Gaga, louder and louder.

She grabs the piece of paper, looks at it, smiles and leads him back into bed.

Then she eats it. Then, she goes back in the closet.

He screams. It is drowned out by the music. And suddenly, there’s only silence and darkness.

GUY awakens in a panic. He jerks up. He pinches himself. Looks at the clock.

GUY

It was a dream?

January 6 - "Actress"

Outside a dressing room in a Broadway theater. The door to the dressing room is closed.

DIRECTOR and PRODUCER stand by the door, arguing in a loud whisper.

PRODUCER

Friday. She has until

DIRECTOR

I’m not going to

PRODUCER

No, you won’t. I will.

DIRECTOR

I will work with her until she’s

PRODUCER

You better do something. It’s like watching a

DIRECTOR

Don’t say it.

PRODUCER

Black hole.

A beat.

DIRECTOR

Friday?

PRODUCER

Friday. That way the replacement can learn the role and go in on Tuesday.

DIRECTOR

But what if

PRODUCER

Let’s hope she gets there.

DIRECTOR knocks on the dressing room door, PRODUCER leaves.

VIOLET ULLMAN, 25, opens it, lets him in.

VIOLET

Hey.

DIRECTOR

Hey.

She shuts the door. Now, they’re inside the room. It’s tiny.

VIOLET

I heard your

DIRECTOR

You did.

VIOLET

Yeah. Look, am I that

DIRECTOR

Vi, I don’t want to

VIOLET

I’m working really hard, here.

DIRECTOR

I know.

VIOLET

This is a very hard role to play and I’m working so hard to - I haven’t slept since we started previews, you know.

DIRECTOR

I’m in your corner here. I cast you for a reason, Violet, you know that.

VIOLET

Do you know how bad the publicity would be if I’m let go?

DIRECTOR

We are going to work on it. Starting now.

VIOLET

Ooh, now?

DIRECTOR

What?

VIOLET

I kinda have dinner plans.

A beat.

VIOLET

I’ll cancel.

DIRECTOR

Good. Okay, go. #1.

VIOLET

Now?

DIRECTOR

Don’t question it. Go.

VIOLET

(passion-free)

O, that this too too solid flesh would melt

Thaw and resolve itself into a dew!

Or that the Everlasting had not fix'd

His canon 'gainst self-slaughter! O God! God!

How weary, stale, flat and unprofitable,

Seem to me all the uses of this world!

Fie on't! ah fie! 'tis an unweeded garden,

That grows to seed; things rank and gross in nature

Possess it merely. That it should come to this!

But two months dead: nay, not so much, not two:

So excellent a king; that was, to this,

Hyperion to a satyr; so loving to my mother

That he might not beteem the winds of heaven

Visit her face too roughly. Heaven and earth!

Must I remember? why, she would hang on him,

As if increase of appetite had grown

By what it fed on: and yet, within a month--

Let me not think on't--Frailty, thy name is woman!--

A little month, or ere those shoes were old

With which she follow'd my poor father's body,

Like Niobe, all tears:--why she, even she--

O, God! a beast, that wants discourse of reason,

Would have mourn'd longer--married with my uncle,

My father's brother, but no more like my father

Than I to Hercules: within a month:

Ere yet the salt of most unrighteous tears

Had left the flushing in her galled eyes,

She married. O, most wicked speed, to post

With such dexterity to incestuous sheets!

It is not nor it cannot come to good:

But break, my heart; for I must hold my tongue.

A beat.

DIRECTOR

Okay.

VIOLET

Am I that bad?

DIRECTOR

Violet, do you know what your saying?

VIOLET

O, that this too

DIRECTOR

No. You’re playing Hamlet, Violet. What are you saying?

VIOLET

I don’t know.

DIRECTOR

Ay, there’s the rub. Okay, so, your father is dead, your uncle married your mother. You are talking about how everything in the world is just utterly futile. You’re talking about killing yourself.

VIOLET

I thought that was “To be or not to be.”

DIRECTOR

This, too. Trouble is “His canon 'gainst self-slaughter,” suicide is a sin.

VIOLET

Okay.

DIRECTOR

You really had no idea?

VIOLET

None.

DIRECTOR

Didn’t you work at all with the dramaturg?

VIOLET

Not really.

DIRECTOR

There was the first mistake. Okay, do it again.

She does. There’s some change. It’s slight but noticeable.

DIRECTOR

Well. Now we have something to work with.

January 5 - "Body Language"

A bar.

TWO, female, sits at the bar, surrounded by men.

ONE, male, enters, notices TWO. She winks at him. He nods.

ONE sits at the bar, away from TWO, an empty seat next to him. Buys her a drink. BARTENDER gives it to her.

She winks at him. Drinks. Doesn’t move.

He walks over to her.

Queen’s “Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy” begins.

“I can dim the lights and sing you songs full of sad things...” through the end of the first chorus (”That's because I'm a good old-fashioned lover boy”), he tries to get her attention, to no avail.

“Ooh let me feel your heartbeat (Grow faster, faster)” through the second chorus, he moves over to her, pushing a few of the other men away. TWO smiles and nods.

As the song continues, other MEN, drunk, start trying to beat ONE up, but he swiftly manages to get out of the way of each blow.

By the end of the song, TWO has fallen for ONE’s charms.

BARTENDER snaps his fingers in rhythm.

“Killer Queen” begins.

TWO makes her way onto the bar. BARTENDER pours her a shot, she downs it. ONE watches.

At “At anytime an invitation you can’t decline,” she gestures for ONE to join her on the bar. He does.

“Well versed in etiquette” - she hands them shots, they down them.

The first “Recommended at the price...” she goes to kiss ONE. Fake-out.

During the instrumental, she starts crawling around on the bar as MEN stuff dollar bills down her blouse. This goes through “...playful as a pussycat.”

During the final “You wanna try...” TWO kisses ONE, passionately.

Then, she steps off the bar, onto one of the bar stools, then onto the floor.

We end with “Crazy Little Thing Called Love.”

ONE and TWO are the only people left in the bar and they let loose.

January 4 - "Say Yes to the Dress"

(based on an idea by Lisa DiCarlucci)

AMANDA in a wedding gown, ALLIE and ALISHA in bridesmaids dresses.

ALLIE

Amanda, you look so fucking beautiful, I can’t get over it.

ALISHA

It’s utterly disgusting how gorgeous you look.

AMANDA

You girls do, too!

ALISHA

It’s just too bad that we aren’t --

AMANDA

Shut up, Alisha! I refuse to have this day ruined for me.

ALISHA

Sorry, Amanda.

AMANDA

Where did that lady go with my headpiece?

ALEX, the saleswoman, enters carrying a large, gaudy, veiled headpiece.

ALEX

This is what you were looking for, right?

AMANDA

My word! It’s stunning! Isn’t it stunning Allie?

ALLIE

(eyes-widening)

So stunning.

ALEX

And it would go very well with that dress. You know, we’ve had so many people buy this dress. They’re not making it anymore, you know. This is the last one we have.

AMANDA

Really?

ALEX

Very last one. Ever. I’ll leave you to it. Come find me when you’re ready.

ALEX leaves.

AMANDA

Did you hear that? This is the last version of this dress they’ll ever have. I have to buy it.

ALLIE

Uh, Amanda?

AMANDA

What?

ALLIE

You’re not getting married.

ALISHA

You’re not even engaged. Or seeing anyone.

AMANDA

Rub it in. I think I’m gonna buy it.

ALLIE

It’s ridiculously expensive.

AMANDA

They’re never making it again, Allie. Never. Again.

A beat.

ALLIE

You should buy it. It’s just beautiful.

AMANDA

Alisha? What say you?

ALISHA

Oh fine, buy it.

AMANDA, followed by ALLIE and ALISHA exit, almost like a wedding procession.

After a few seconds, a SALESWOMAN enters with a WOMAN and her BRIDESMAIDS. The SALESWOMAN holds the exact same dress as AMANDA had on.

SALESWOMAN

That is an extraordinary dress you’re wearing. And wouldn’t you know? That’s the last one we have in stock. And we aren’t getting any more, either.

Blackout.

January 3 - "Ms. Rhinebeck's Announcement"

A classroom. A class rehearses “Grease.”

STUDENT #1

Hey Doodie, where’d you get the guitar?

Bell rings.

MS. RHINEBECK

Okay everyone, good work today. Michael, do you think we need to do a line-through tonight?

MICHAEL

Your call, Ms. Rhinebeck.

MS. RHINEBECK

Let’s have a line-through at seven-thirty in the auditorium. Oh, and before you all go, I have an announcement. Maureen has a boyfriend. That’s right, MAUREEN has a boyfriend!

Everyone gasps. Some people cheer.

MS. RHINEBECK

I know, right? It feels like just yesterday that she was makin’ out in the prop room with Marko.

Everyone gasps.

MS. RHINEBECK

Oh fuck, that was a secret!

MARKO

Hey, you know why it feels like last week? Because it WAS last week. What the hell, Maureen? I thought we had a thing goin’ on.

MAUREEN

I found someone who loves and cares about me.

MS. RHINEBECK

And his name, we have learned, is Benny. Just like in “Rent.” Oh my, how fitting!

MARKO

You’re a dick, Maureen. I should have known.

MARKO exits, followed by MS. RHINEBECK and the rest of the class.

MAUREEN

Well, I’m glad I know enough about that cunt to get her fired if I need to. That was incredibly rude.

MICHAEL

Even worse? You know why we’re doing the line-through tonight?

MAUREEN

Why?

MICHAEL

To prevent you from seeing him.

MAUREEN

That cunt! I’ll show her. (MAUREEN pulls out her cell phone, dials.) Hey, sweetie, wanna come to rehearsal tonight?

Blackout.

January 2 - "A Swift Goodbye"

JIM and KATTRYN at a cafe on the Upper East Side.

JIM

...and that’s why I think it’s best that we don’t talk anymore.

A beat.

KATTRYN

You’re kidding, right?

JIM

Kat, were you not just listening to what I said? I’m in love with you.

KATTRYN

I see that.

JIM

And you just got back from your honeymoon.

KATTRYN

I know.

JIM

And this doesn’t bother you? At all?

KATTRYN

Jim, you’re my best friend. I’m not letting you not talk to me.

JIM

I need to do this.

KATTRYN

No you don’t. You’re being entirely unreasonable.

JIM

I am in love with you, Kattryn. You don’t see the problem here?

KATTRYN

It’ll pass. I’m not worried.

JIM

(suddenly serious)

I have to stop talking to you.

A beat.

KATTRYN

Oh God, you’re serious, aren’t you?

JIM

If only for a time.

KATTRYN

This is fucking cruel, James. I’ve never, EVER, done something like this to you.

JIM

You got married.

A beat.

KATTRYN

So what is this, then? Farewell to the best friend I’ve had since elementary school?

JIM

Just for a time.

KATTRYN

I don’t know how I’m going to deal with this.

JIM

You have Eliot.

KATTRYN

Eliot’s not a best friend, though. Look, how ‘bout this? How about we do a weekly email to one another. Every Friday.

A beat.

JIM

Fine.

KATTRYN

Good. (A beat.) I’ll miss you.

The lights slowly fade.

January 1 - "Midnight"

A living room.

MAN and WOMAN, middle aged, sit, staring at the television.

VOICES ON TELEVISION

Three...two...one...Happy New Year!

MAN

(to WOMAN)

Happy New Year.

WOMAN

(to MAN)

Happy New Year.

They kiss.

A beat. AULD LAND SYNE on the television.

MAN

(to WOMAN)

Shall we?

WOMAN

(to MAN)

Good idea.

MAN shuts the television.

They get up and go to bed.

Blackout.

Welcome

Welcome. Make yourselves at home.