LANDO. And LANDO’s women (LESLIE, LUCY, LACEY, LARISSA), all of whom will be portrayed by the same actress.
LANDO
(to us)
I was twenty two years old and high when I discovered I had the wang of death. It was weird. Leslie was the first. She and I met in the library. We were both looking for
LESLIE
(to an unseen librarian)
“Chronicle of a Death Foretold.” Marquez is the author.
LANDO
(to us)
Ironic, in retrospect.
(to her)
I’m looking for that one, too.
LESLIE
Really?
LANDO
(to us)
They only had one copy.
LESLIE
We can share it.
LANDO
(to her)
Do you really want to do that?
LESLIE
I’m a quick reader.
LANDO
(to us)
So we shared the book. Then, we had sex. She died instantaneously as she reached orgasm. It was the first-ever non-fictional death by orgasm. I mourned for a few days before I discovered Lucy, who sat behind me, how apropos, in our “Sex in Italian Cinema” class. Why was her sitting behind me apropos?
LUCY
I like having sex up the butt. (She pops a piece of chewing gum.)
LANDO
(to her)
Oh?
LUCY
No risk of getting pregnant that way. (She blows a bubble.)
LANDO
(to her)
So you’ve never had sex the other way?
LUCY
Nope. Too risky. (She pops the bubble.)
LANDO
(to us)
I love a challenge.
LUCY smiles.
LANDO
(to us)
Alas, before that challenge even took place, Lucy was dead, the second-ever non-fictional death by orgasm, this time up the rear. It was then I realized that I could use this to my advantage. “How so,” you wonder. Well, as a self-hating, misogynistic Republican from Massachusetts, I’ve made my fair share of enemies, most of whom were women. Take Lacey, for example. She and I broke up, well, she broke up with me, for reasons I still can’t figure out.
LACEY
I will NOT pose naked for you so you can send the photo to your buddy, you disgusting son of a bitch!
LANDO
(to us)
I took our break up particularly hard. I actually enjoyed Lacey. Dare I say, loved. So when I saw her and Lucas together, well, that just sent me over the edge. Now, I know what you’re thinking. I didn’t rape her to death. (A beat) Okay, I kinda did rape her to death. But it wasn’t violent or anything. I actually think she enjoyed it, not that I can really tell, her mouth being taped shut and all.
Silence.
LARISSA
Tell me about the other women you’ve been with, Lando.
LANDO
(to her)
I’d rather not.
LARISSA
Why?
LANDO
(to her)
I’d just rather not. I don’t like taking about the past.
LARISSA
I understand.
LANDO
(to us)
Larissa and I were together for a year before her death. She was a very patient woman and didn’t want to rush into anything. I had all but forgotten about my past experiences when that night came around. She looked extraordinarily beautiful naked. Cherubic.
LARISSA is naked. LANDO, for the first time, turns his back to us and stares at her.
LARISSA
This is my first time.
LANDO
(to her)
You mean?
LARISSA
I was waiting for the right person, I guess.
A beat.
LARISSA
Do you like --
LANDO
(to her)
Very, very much.
LANDO moves to her, kisses her. Slowly, he undresses, his back to us still, and they begin to make love.
Blackout.
LANDO
(to us)
After Larissa’s death, I realized that I had to take some action.
The lights slowly rise on LANDO, naked, looking towards us. In one hand, he holds a butcher’s knife. In the other, his penis, bloody and severed.
There is a gaping hole where his genitals should be.
Blood pours from his body.
The lights slowly fade.
