Janaury 20 - "Deaths Foretold"

LANDO. And LANDO’s women (LESLIE, LUCY, LACEY, LARISSA), all of whom will be portrayed by the same actress.

LANDO

(to us)

I was twenty two years old and high when I discovered I had the wang of death. It was weird. Leslie was the first. She and I met in the library. We were both looking for

LESLIE

(to an unseen librarian)

“Chronicle of a Death Foretold.” Marquez is the author.

LANDO

(to us)

Ironic, in retrospect.

(to her)

I’m looking for that one, too.

LESLIE

Really?

LANDO

(to us)

They only had one copy.

LESLIE

We can share it.

LANDO

(to her)

Do you really want to do that?

LESLIE

I’m a quick reader.

LANDO

(to us)

So we shared the book. Then, we had sex. She died instantaneously as she reached orgasm. It was the first-ever non-fictional death by orgasm. I mourned for a few days before I discovered Lucy, who sat behind me, how apropos, in our “Sex in Italian Cinema” class. Why was her sitting behind me apropos?

LUCY

I like having sex up the butt. (She pops a piece of chewing gum.)

LANDO

(to her)

Oh?

LUCY

No risk of getting pregnant that way. (She blows a bubble.)

LANDO

(to her)

So you’ve never had sex the other way?

LUCY

Nope. Too risky. (She pops the bubble.)

LANDO

(to us)

I love a challenge.

LUCY smiles.

LANDO

(to us)

Alas, before that challenge even took place, Lucy was dead, the second-ever non-fictional death by orgasm, this time up the rear. It was then I realized that I could use this to my advantage. “How so,” you wonder. Well, as a self-hating, misogynistic Republican from Massachusetts, I’ve made my fair share of enemies, most of whom were women. Take Lacey, for example. She and I broke up, well, she broke up with me, for reasons I still can’t figure out.

LACEY

I will NOT pose naked for you so you can send the photo to your buddy, you disgusting son of a bitch!

LANDO

(to us)

I took our break up particularly hard. I actually enjoyed Lacey. Dare I say, loved. So when I saw her and Lucas together, well, that just sent me over the edge. Now, I know what you’re thinking. I didn’t rape her to death. (A beat) Okay, I kinda did rape her to death. But it wasn’t violent or anything. I actually think she enjoyed it, not that I can really tell, her mouth being taped shut and all.

Silence.

LARISSA

Tell me about the other women you’ve been with, Lando.

LANDO

(to her)

I’d rather not.

LARISSA

Why?

LANDO

(to her)

I’d just rather not. I don’t like taking about the past.

LARISSA

I understand.

LANDO

(to us)

Larissa and I were together for a year before her death. She was a very patient woman and didn’t want to rush into anything. I had all but forgotten about my past experiences when that night came around. She looked extraordinarily beautiful naked. Cherubic.

LARISSA is naked. LANDO, for the first time, turns his back to us and stares at her.

LARISSA

This is my first time.

LANDO

(to her)

You mean?

LARISSA

I was waiting for the right person, I guess.

A beat.

LARISSA

Do you like --

LANDO

(to her)

Very, very much.

LANDO moves to her, kisses her. Slowly, he undresses, his back to us still, and they begin to make love.

Blackout.

LANDO

(to us)

After Larissa’s death, I realized that I had to take some action.

The lights slowly rise on LANDO, naked, looking towards us. In one hand, he holds a butcher’s knife. In the other, his penis, bloody and severed.

There is a gaping hole where his genitals should be.

Blood pours from his body.

The lights slowly fade.

January 12 - "Dirty Job"

A gynecologist’s office.

KITTY, 22, sits, feet in stirrups, waiting for DR. COOTER.

He enters abrasively, sits. He wears a terrible toupee.

DR. COOTER

So do you actually have a problem or are you just trying to fool the insurance company?

KITTY

See, I’m not entirely sure, Dr. Cooter. Thing is

DR. COOTER

Either way, it’s fine. I don’t really care (he looks at her chart), Catherine.

KITTY

You can call me Kitty.

DR. COOTER

As long as you don’t call me late for dinner!

A beat.

DR. COOTER

So what seems to be the problem?

KITTY

It’s kind of uncomfortable.

DR. COOTER

Most vagina-related problems are. I’ve been working with them for thirty years. I've seen it all. Even the one or two with teeth. Lay it on me, can't be any worse than that!

KITTY

Well, my boyfriend and I - and we haven’t had sex yet - but when we fool around and he uses his fingers, I bleed. A lot.

DR. COOTER

Easy peasy. Let’s have a look-see.

DR. COOTER starts examining her. He’s cold and methodical, she is uncomfortable.

DR. COOTER

It’s a very sensitive area, the vagina. If your boyfriend’s fingernails are too long, he could have scratched you. I see a little bit of bruising.

KITTY

Yeah, I saw that, too.

The exam finishes.

DR. COOTER

Just tell him to go gentler next time. And I’d wait a few days before you do it again.

Her cell phone rings - “Hey Mama” by Kanye West.

KITTY

(holding up her cell phone)

Would you like to tell him that?

DR. COOTER

That’s quite alright. I’ve got other patients today.

KITTY

Well, thank you, doctor.

DR. COOTER

Take care. It’s been good seeing you two again.

He exits.

Blackout.

January 9 - "Sheep Meadow"

CALLIE and her dog Mellow playing catch, back and forth.

CALLIE throws the ball too far and Mellow runs off to catch it.

CALLIE

Mellow!

She starts chasing after the dog.

Mellow returns, tailed by a smaller dog, Murray.

CALLIE bends down to Mellow.

CALLIE

Mellow, did you make a friend?

The dogs start humping.

CALLIE

(disgusted)

Mellow! Stop!

Murray’s owner, Chris, enters.

CHRIS

Murray!

CALLIE

He’s right here.

CHRIS

(staring)

Well, would you look at that.

CALLIE

Looks like they became fast friends.

CHRIS

Yeah, it usually takes me a couple dates before that happens. (a beat) Excuse me. That was gross of me.

CALLIE

(laughing)

It’s okay. I’m Callie.

CHRIS

Chris.

CALLIE

The little girl under your little boy is named Mellow.

CHRIS

He’s Murray.

CALLIE

He must be a helluva catch; Mellow has very discriminating tastes.

CHRIS

So does Murray.

A beat.

CALLIE

Is Murray...seeing anyone...at the moment?

CHRIS

Nope, nope. Is Mellow?

CALLIE

Mellow finds it very hard to find a date in New York City. What about Chris?

CHRIS

Free bird. Callie?

CALLIE

Callie finds it very hard to find a date in New York City.

The dogs finish. Coldly and mechanically.

CHRIS

Well, looks like that’s about it for the day.

CALLIE

Yeah.

He pulls out his wallet, takes out a business card, hands it to her.

CHRIS

If Callie and Mellow would ever like to get together with myself and Murray, feel free to give us a call.

CALLIE

(looking at the card)

Oh my God.

CHRIS

What?

CALLIE

We live in the same building.

CHRIS

No!

CALLIE

I’ve never seen you around before.

CHRIS

Just moved in. Can I walk you home?

CALLIE

That would be wonderful.

Blackout.

January 8 - "Billy Bisexual Takes a Lover"

BILLY’s bedroom. MAE, 22, sits on his bed, staring out the window. There are no curtains.

Great view of a construction site, complete with CONSTRUCTION WORKERS. One waves to her. She waves back.

BILLY enters from an adjacent bathroom. He’s older than her.

BILLY

So what do you think of the room?

MAE

I think you need a pair of shades. Or a curtain, or something.

BILLY

What do you mean?

MAE

Well what if we want privacy?

BILLY

Oh, we have plenty of privacy.

MAE

Uh, no we don’t.

BILLY

Believe me, the construction workers won’t look in.

MAE

One of them waved at me.

BILLY

Really?

MAE

Really.

BILLY

Ignore it. They won’t look in. Trust me.

He sits next to her, kisses her. They fall backwards. Shirts come off.

After a few seconds, he sits up.

BILLY

They really waved to you?

She sits up, too. Her bra is magenta.

MAE

Ignore it. They won’t look in.

BILLY

They stopped doing that for a while. (Pointing to her bra) Love the color, by the way.

MAE

Thanks, it’s new. Now, can we

BILLY

Those bastards haven’t looked in at me in a while. It must be because you’re a woman.

MAE

What do you mean?

BILLY

Well, when my last boyfriend and I were fooling around, they took one glance and never looked in again.

MAE

Umm, did you just say boyfriend?

BILLY

I wouldn’t necessarily call him boyfriend...It was more like a random hookup. And boy, that certainly scared those construction workers, I tell you.

MAE

Okay. I gotta go.

BILLY

What? Why?

MAE

You never told me you had sex with guys.

BILLY

I don’t. I hate having sex with men. I just like giving blow jobs. But that’s irrelevant here.

MAE

How is that irrelevant?

BILLY

Because I love having sex with women.

MAE

Yeah, I’m outta here.

MAE grabs her blouse, puts it on, exits.

BILLY walks to the window, his shirt still off. He stares out.

The CONSTRUCTION WORKERS wave.